Non Self

by Bhante Sathi

Twenty years ago my mom and dad used to argue constantly. It was painful to watch. There were many times in my life I wished my father was dead because he made everyone unhappy and we would be better off without him.

But there were many other times I thought he was the best man in the world because he worked hard and was a good provider.

Today I am flying back to Sri Lanka for my dad’s funeral. Even as a monk who spends so much time developing my mind, I find myself clinging to the loss.

Who am I? Am I the person who thought my father should die, or am I the person who thought my father was the greatest? What do I really want? Why did I want it both ways?

I wanted to see my dad alive. But as I tried to hide my tears from the other passengers I realized there was an opportunity to really understand myself and my relationship with the man I hated and loved at the same time.

Then for a moment at 35 thousand feet I felt a sense of relief. The present seemed more important than what happened 20 years or 20 minutes ago.

I asked myself what is real and permanent? Am I permanent? Of course not, nothing not even my body is permanent. Then if nothing is impermanent, what is the answer?

Once there was a group of the priests who approached the Buddha and said, “It is better to be a fox in the Himalayan forest than to be an Arahant because an Arahant does not experience pleasure. Desiring pleasure builds the self." But talk about permanent happiness in heaven is an attachment because no one will want to go if it is unpleasant.

The thoughts of being trapped in the cycle of "I,me, mine" began to melt. Suddenly, my past is not me anymore. Today will be past by tomorrow and tomorrow is not here yet. So who am I?

Non self.